A Chance I Didn't Take

I had the chance, the opportunity, to go to college. Not once, but twice. Right out of high school I enrolled at the college closest to my home town. I could live at home and commute as did many others in our area. Then I decided to get married and since we planned to move to Colorado to begin our life together, I withdrew my enrollment application. We didn't stay in Colorado long, so I didn't go while we were there. I thought about starting classes many times after that, but the timing never seemed quite right. I had children; I was needed at home; many things seemed to call me away from school.


When our younger son finished high school, we moved from Arkansas back to Oklahoma and I again felt it might be time to enroll. My husband agreed I should explore the possibility. I started the application process and learned how to apply for grants, loans & other money. Then, we received a job offer to work together on a 12 house broiler farm. This was a good opportunity: a nice salary for both of us with a house & bills furnished. We agreed we should take the job. I cancelled on school again.


We worked hard on the farm, and the next one, and the next one. Now my dear husband is driving a truck again and trying to build a trucking company. I am home doing the paperwork needed to run the business. I deeply regret that I never followed through; never actually went to any classes. My life -- our life -- would have been completely different if I had taken a chance on myself but in those days it was difficult for a woman to be married and have a career. Now I wish I had tried.


I regret most that I didn't seek God's counsel and wisdom in my decisions. I didn't pray about getting married. I didn't enquire of the Lord about what would be His best for me. I hope that over the years I have learned to seek God first, but I'm not sure that I have. I still tend to go with my intuition and personal desires in any decision that I need to make. I pray the Holy Spirit is leading me as I make choices. I hope I am willing to take the chances He provides.

Pen & Paper

Nearly everything I "do" requires that I write: mail to friends & family, pay bills, keep records for business, my journal, to do lists. All these require my use of pen & paper.

I am particular about my pen; one that flows smoothly, has a good line on paper, goes through to carbon copies and feels comfortable in my hand. Not too small so my fingers don't cramp. Not too big or I can't handle it well. I usually prefer black ink, but the pen itself can be boldly bight or soothing in color. Sometimes, for emphasis, I choose a different color ink.

When I did accounting, blue and red were necessary, but black is the easiest for me to read. I don't care to use pencils. They need to be sharpened, smear and don't show up as well when I read it the second time. But -- they do erase! That's a plus for me as I tend to make mistakes when my head rushes ahead of my hand.

I love varieties of papers. White with lines, colored with borders, bright bold colors, columns for work accounts, note pads, post cards -- almost anything that will hold ink.

Pens & papers are my self expression. My way of showing my creative side. I'm not very good at drawing, so I use paper with color and/or pictures. I see beauty in the choice of paper. Post cards and occasion cards express my thoughts and feelings for or about others. They show I care, I'm thinking of them. I can choose the ones that will best please the receiver.

Without pen & paper I couldn't take care of our business, but as important to me is the communication with family that they enable. I would be totally bereft if I couldn't write to my granddaughters. Receiving a personal note in the mail, something to hold onto and savor, something that is a tangible sign that I thought of them seems more satisfying to me than a phone call or an email. I don't care if I don't receive cards and letters, although it is a great treat, but I must be able to express my self with pen & paper.

This thing that I feel I have been called to do (writing) would be impossible for me without a pen & paper. I write my thoughts down then edit as I transfer to the computer. This is how I share what God is showing me. This is how I show others the wonderful world that God has created for us. It amazes me when I think of the care and planning He took in making our world: the beauty, the divirsity, the minute details of the interdependence of all of life. Each day I see His love for me, for us, in the world around us. I must write what I see so I can tell others of Him.

Half a Glass

To see the glass as half empty is to see the world through depressed and sad eyes.

The mindset of depression and pessimism nags at me trying to drag me down into the abyss, spiraling deeper and deeper into blackness. Sadness overwhelms me and presses me farther and farther down into the pit of despair. It is only through an intentional effort to cultivate a grateful attitude that I begin to crawl back into the light of His goodness and grace. There I can again look at the glass as half full. There I begin to grasp at hope and optimism.

I know that in many ways I am deeply blessed. I have much to be happy about and little that is really bad in my life, but at times I find it hard to remember all the goodness. I try to write thanksgivings in my journal each time I record an entry to remind myself of all that I do have.

Naturally an optimistic person, it has been only in the last four or five years that I have had this problem of a deep, overwhelming sadness. It began on our farm at Noel and has been a struggle since then. I think it had its roots in a high and out of control blood sugar coupled with fluctuating hormones and a high stress level. As I better controlled these, the depression came back into balance, too. The year 2008 was a breakthrough year concerning this and now, in 2009, I am much better and have only an occasional "bad" day. I can usually tell if it is sugar related, if I am tired or if there is some other logical reason that I'm feeling down. Seldom does it last more than a few minutes or a few hours.

Life is full of ups and downs. When I was "down", I feared for my sanity and often my husband feared for my life. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, the struggle to remain on an "up" comes less often and is easier to win. Through the help and concern of friends and family, the touch of gifted Prayer Warriors, and God's grace I am very much better than I was. Today, as I strive for balance in all things, I am again more likely to see the glass as half full.

My Prayer

The Lord gave this to me during the music portion of a worship service. I felt a little odd sitting to write when everyone else was standing, but I felt compelled to put down the words racing through my mind.

A Prayer

You draw me, Father, gently, lovingly to your side. I have no one but You. You only are my friend, my strength, my refuge, my shield. Fill me with your Spirit, moment by moment, that I may rest and rely on You. Quiet my thoughts that I may hear You as You speak to me. You, Lord, shower blessing on me. You encourage me. You convict and instruct me. You love with a never ending love. You lead me, step by step, to a relationship with You. Holy Spirit, teach me of You. Lord Jesus, mighty King, Savior of my soul, cleanse me of unrighteousness and sin. As the psalmist said -- Create in me a pure heart. Let me hear You. My Shepherd, call me, lead me to green pastures and beside still waters. Oh, Father, my God, may I hear You, obey You, worship You, praise You, honor You. Lord, may I sit at your feet and learn of You. Do not let me be so busy, even in service to You, that I reject time with You. Let me concentrate on You, Lord, and on Your Word. You are more important; You are vital to life. All else -- church, family, friends -- are nothing without you and your Holy Spirit. I give my all to You: all that I am, all that I have, all that I hope. Only in You is there promise of wholeness. Let me build a relationship with Jesus, all else will fall into place. Thank You for once again reminding me of your love, mercy and grace.