Not too long ago I went to the cemetery where my mother and grandparents are buried.
It's been a long time since I came here. There's a new grave, but I don't know who it is. I haven't been to Mama's yet. Flowers adorn a few sites, bright color in the faded green.
Gray, overcast skies fit my mood. I don't know why I came. She's not here; no one is. I always thought people odd who returned often to cemeteries or decorated graves. Is it a cry for comfort, a denial of loss, a show of grief for the world? Comfort of a kind comes, and a feigning of closeness. It seems easier to talk to her here. I tell her of the important events of my life, share my secrets and dreams; the things I never tell any one. I almost hear her speak, laugh or cry with me. Nowhere else can I feel her. I can cry here and no one believes I'm crazy. I cry for my loss and emptiness, the missed togetherness, the loneliness of her passing. It's been 10 years since she left. Ten years of challenges i met or failed. Ten years of opportunities I took or ignored.
I see her in me more and more. Gestures, speech patterns, the shape of my hands -- all remind me of the woman she was. Am I keeping her good traits? Am I harboring her sense of humor, hospitality and generosity in my heart? Have I met adversity with her strength and fortitude? Do I let my disappointments overwhelm me and drag me into the pit of despair? (i know the answers to these questions.) How can I mirror her greater qualities to my family and foster that giving, loving, caring heart in myself? How can I remember her everyday like I do when I'm here?
I thank God for the mother I had. She loved me greatly and did the best she knew to raise me. It seems she was taken too soon, but God doesn't make mistakes. Even in missing her and the sadness of her absence is the joy of knowing I'll see her again. This I know: she's in a better place and soon I'll join her there. Then we can laugh and talk and praise our God together for eternity.
Although not a perfect person, she was the perfect mother for me.
2 comments:
Karen, your timing of this writing is nothing but amazing. My mother died 9 years ago this past Sunday. I share many of the same feelings about going to the cemetery and remembering her in general. Thanks for your words.
KLM -- Thanks for your kind words. I pray that each time I write God will use my words. I write to honor Him.
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